You've got to be joking
I think Korea is pranking us with pizza. They must be. It is the only possible explanation. Just sitting there, giggling, saying, “Did you see their faces? They actually think we eat this stuff!” I should probably back up a bit. Yesterday, Erin and I got a pizza. We were in the mood for something new and we couldn’t read the ingredients list, so we pointed to the picture that looked like it was layered in hefty slabs of Canadian bacon and cheese and said “We’ll take that one, please!” We got back to our apartment, bit into our first piece, and instantly found ourselves wondering what the hell we'd just put in our mouths.
Our pizza did, in fact, have Canadian bacon and cheese, but underneath was a hidden layer of spaghetti noodles and alfredo sauce (which mostly tasted like mayonnaise). It was a bit of a shock to say the least.
But we should be used to this by now. Our favorite (“favorite”) local pizza chain is Pizza School. You can find their website here. Don’t worry that most of it is Korean. Understanding the language would not lessen the madness.
We usually order plain pepperoni with a cheesy crust. Simple, efficient, and at $7.00 a pie, economical. Every once in a while, we like to branch out and “try something different.” We have yet to learn to resist these impulses.
A sampling of their menu, translated for your convenience:
Potato Pizza: a hefty layer of soy cheese (you won’t notice the difference!), thick wedges of potato wrapped in bacon on each individual slice, and a goopy dollop of mayonnaise hidden underneath to guarantee that your meal remains unique.
Gold Pizza: or what pizza would taste like if you layered it in a combination of soy cheese, sweet potatoes, and yellow bean paste. YUM!
Bulgogi Pizza: Beef that has been marinated in special Korean sauce until it tastes like nothing that should ever exist within the same hemisphere as pizza, amidst a bed of delicious green peppers, corn, and soy cheese toppings.
Loin Crepe Pizza: A… what? Now you’re just messing with us. That looks like you took a cheese pizza and added ham slices shaped into little crepes and filled with mayonnaise, then crushed up some tortilla chips and just kind of tossed them everywhere. You’re… you’re joking, right?
Deutsche Bite Pizza: No. I refuse to believe that people eat this. You’ve got what looks like cheap hot dogs, yellow bean paste, corn, sweet potato mousse (which is as frightening as it sounds) and mustard. On what is ostensibly supposed to be a pizza. This is clearly a prank. You are just daring us to call you on it at this point.
Chicken Filet Pizza: WHAT? You just fried up a bunch of breaded chicken filets, tossed them WHOLE on a cheese pizza, threw a little corn and some sweet and sour sauce over the whole thing, and called it a day. That is absolutely ridiculous and I refuse to put up with this nonsense any…
…hey… that’s kinda tasty.
Can I get that to go?
-Sam